What Is Playfulness in PACE?
Playfulness is about adopting a light, warm, engaging tone that reduces the emotional intensity of difficult moments. It is not about making jokes at the child's expense or using sarcasm. It is about communicating that the relationship is strong enough to hold both the difficulty and a sense of lightness.
Dan Hughes describes playfulness as conveying the message: "We are in this together, and it is going to be okay." When we use a playful tone, we signal to the child that we are not threatened by their behaviour, that we remain connected, and that the relationship is bigger than the problem.
Playfulness helps to reduce shame. Many children with complex needs carry deep shame about themselves and their behaviour. A heavy, serious tone can activate this shame and push the child further into dysregulation. A lighter, more playful tone communicates acceptance and helps the child stay within their window of tolerance.
What Playfulness Is Not
Playfulness in PACE is not:
- Teasing or mocking the child
- Sarcasm or put-downs disguised as humour
- Dismissing or minimising the child's feelings
- Making light of serious situations
- Forcing the child to laugh or be happy
- Using humour to avoid addressing the behaviour
True PACE playfulness comes from a place of warmth, acceptance, and genuine delight in the child. It is respectful and attuned. If you are feeling angry, frustrated, or disconnected from the child, playfulness will come across as sarcastic or dismissive. In those moments, focus on regulating yourself first.
How Playfulness Works
When a child is dysregulated, their nervous system is activated and they are experiencing high levels of stress. Playfulness helps in several ways:
- It signals safety and reduces perceived threat
- It helps shift the child's emotional state from high arousal to a more regulated state
- It reduces shame by communicating that the adult is not judging or rejecting them
- It keeps the interaction relational rather than confrontational
- It models flexibility and emotional regulation
- It communicates that you have the capacity to hold their distress
Playfulness is particularly effective when combined with the other elements of PACE. It creates an emotional context in which acceptance, curiosity, and empathy can be received by the child.
Practical Examples of Playfulness
Reminding About Classroom Expectations
Instead of: "You know you are supposed to put your hand up."
Try: (With a warm, light tone) "Oops, I think your hand forgot to go up! Shall we try that again?"
When a Child Makes a Mistake
Instead of: "You have done this wrong. You need to start again."
Try: (With gentle warmth) "Hmm, I think this bit might have got a bit muddled. Shall we have another go at it together?"
When a Child Is Resisting a Task
Instead of: "You need to get on with your work now."
Try: (Lightly) "I can see your brain is telling you this looks really tricky. Shall we see if we can trick your brain into thinking it is easier than it looks?"
After a Difficult Moment
Instead of: "Right, we need to talk about what just happened."
Try: (Warmly) "Well, that was quite a moment, wasn't it? I wonder if we can work out what happened there together."
The Tone of Playfulness
The key to playfulness is not what you say, but how you say it. Your tone of voice, facial expression, and body language convey:
- Warmth and affection
- A sense of "we are in this together"
- Confidence that things will be okay
- Genuine enjoyment of the child
- Emotional flexibility and resilience
If your words are playful but your tone is irritated or your face is tense, the child will pick up on the incongruence and the playfulness will not work. Playfulness must come from a genuinely regulated, warm state.
When Not to Use Playfulness
There are times when playfulness is not appropriate:
- When a child is in extreme distress or panic
- When safety is at immediate risk
- When you are feeling angry or dysregulated yourself
- When the child has explicitly asked for seriousness
- When addressing a very serious safeguarding concern
In these moments, a calm, steady, empathic presence is more appropriate. Playfulness is a tool, not a requirement. It should feel natural and attuned to the moment.